Dear Laurie,
My husband and I have 3 children. Lately, it’s hard to be in the same room together without one of us saying something nasty that spurs an argument that can last for days. We both work full time and nights and weekends are spent dividing and conquering, running the kids to their activities or taking care of their many needs. We both adore our children and enjoy making family memories, but I still feel like when it comes to our marriage, we’ve grown apart. I’m not sure what to do to change it.
Signed,
Wanting Change
Dear Wanting Change,
Somehow our society has us believing that our children must always be our top priority while the relationship with our spouse should take a backseat until the kids are in college. Even if we don’t consciously believe this, we often act as if we do…. we go through the motions, exhausted by the challenges of parenting while working to provide for our family. Many relationships are tested to limits that are simply unsustainable. Yes, our children are a huge priority and rightly so, but one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a strong and happy marriage.
At the end of the day, our happiness will be directly related
to the quality of our relationships. Find
ways to make your relationship your highest priority- this is the person you’ve
vowed to spend your life with. Your kids
will grow to have their own lives and families.
When they do, you want to still like the person sitting on the other side of the dinner table. The investment in your marriage is well worth your effort.
Make time for your spouse. Plan date nights, weekends away and even
romantic vacations every once in awhile (yes, these can be done on a budget!).
If childcare is a challenge, be creative and think of ideas that can
work for your family. For example, offer
to take your best friend’s kids so they can get away for a weekend and ask they
do the same for you. If your kids need
to miss an activity on occasion, it won’t be the end of the world. It’s easy to make excuses as to why alone time
is impossible. The consequences of not making
your relationship a priority however, are not at all easy- for you or your children.
Show your children the benefits of investing your time into
your relationship. What is it we want to
model for our children as we raise them to be strong healthy adults? What is the future life we hope for our
daughters and sons? We must ask
ourselves, how am I showing up in this marriage and what shifts might I make in
order to model a stronger and more intimate partnership?
In the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, research from 350 couples in failing marriages revealed that relationships fail because of behavior not chemistry or compatibility. Our daily choices really do matter.
Start communicating with your partner about your feelings today. No blaming. No shaming. No bringing up all the ways your spouse hasn’t measured up in the past. Simply communicate with empathy and a desire to grow forward- and together. Then make a date for some alone time.