April 2019

Expecting Change

Dear Expecting Change,

This is a common story that I've been hearing in my many years as a coach. In fact, part of this was my story for quite some time. I would often complain about not being heard by my husband and I was convinced that if he just made certain "necessary" changes, it would show he really loved me and I would be happier. And when those changes weren't made, I created another story in my mind about what that meant.  And like many of my clients, my reactions were led by that story. Until one day, I chose something different.

I changed the story. 

I decided that fulfilling my needs was my responsibility.  And so was my happiness.  I chose to focus on what my husband does right instead of what frustrates me.  I took ownership of my perceptions.  I decided that my beliefs about who he should be and how he should show love were just habitual thoughts and some of those habits needed to go.

Slowly, I chose to focus on who my husband was at his core.  I held myself accountable to thoughts like, "If he expects me to pick up the dirty clothes he leaves beside the hamper after I've told him a million times not to do it, he's crazy!"  I stopped assigning meaning to his actions.  When he left the clothes on the floor I stopped thinking it was because he didn't love me enough to listen or care that it bothered me.

And the more I found ways to shift my internal story from blame and victim mindset in these little ways, the more I was able to shift the story for the bigger things.  And the more peaceful I felt.  And the stronger the relationship grew.

And suddenly, I saw all the ways he does show love that I hadn't really paid much attention to before.  And I found gratitude.

And that made all the difference.

Had I continued to listen to the old story in my mind, I shudder to think about where my relationship might be all these years later.  I can't imagine having missed out on all that it is now. 

Think about what you want.  What you really, really want.  Then ask yourself if your common stories and resulting reactions are in alignment with that.  Decide what your highest priorities are and let that lead you.  Know what to let go of and what to hold on to.  Should you settle for a poor situation?  Of course not.  Establish your non-negotiables but make it a short list.  Hold true to strong, healthy boundaries but hold yourself to the highest standard and be willing to question your story.  How might you be contributing to the problem because you've assigned your spouse the task of being responsible for your happiness?  Challenge your expectations of who your spouse should be and be willing to fulfill your own needs. 

Ask for a partner- yes.  But be willing to be the partner you seek.  Be careful not to assume you're already that.

Fully participate  in the relationship you want instead of dictating the relationship you need. 

Think about what radical appreciation and radical compassion might look like.  And then only after that, make a decision to stay or go. 

"Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole life will change." ~Tony Robbins